PCOS Tuesday

I don't know where to even start....infertility is a hard painful subject to talk about.

I found out that I had PCOS at age eighteen...I was a freshman in college, still a virgin without a boyfriend in sight.  Children, babies...they were not even on my radar at that time...but my doctor patted me on the knee and told me not to worry that I could still have a child.   She left out that it would be a long a painful journey...one that I am still on. 


Since there is really no one story that can convey to you the pain that infertility has brought to my life...

• I cried for five hours the day of my cousin and his wife's baby shower....splashed cold water on face and slapped on a smile so that no one would know I was dieing on the inside.  

• I've had to tell my {step}son on more that one occasion when he's asked when he's going to get his baby brother or sister "that maybe it okay just the three of us".

• When asked to host my sister-in-law's baby for her second child I took to my bed for two days.  But I did it....sure I bawled my eyes out while making the invites...but I did it.  

• When rocking my niece to sleep the other day I couldn't stop the tears from falling.  All I could think was she should have been mine...when will it be my turn?

Treatment for infertility is costly both emotionally and monetarily...there is no "let's just see what happens" for me.  There is blood work and more blood work.  There are pills and shots....and the Man making little deposits in small hospital bathrooms.  Right now the Man and I are on a break from trying.    I'm young still...they say there's time...but some days I feel my chances are slipping away.